Dear Aunt Agony,
I really love my boyfriend, and our relationship is great in almost every way. But there’s one thing that’s been making my stomach do flip-flops. I’ve noticed he still likes almost every single photo his ex posts on Instagram. I could maybe handle it if it were just scenic pictures or group shots, but he’s liking all of them. Even the really revealing bikini pictures and “thirsty selfies.”
When I gently brought it up, he got defensive and said it’s “not a big deal” and that I’m being insecure and “trying to control him.” He says they’re just friends and he’s just being supportive. Now I feel like I can’t say anything without sounding like a crazy, jealous girlfriend. But it genuinely hurts my feelings and makes me feel disrespected.
Am I totally overreacting here, or is my gut feeling trying to tell me something?
Signed,
Trying Not to Be “That Girl”
My Dearest Trying Not to Be “That Girl,”
Let’s be clear. You are not overreacting. If something your partner does makes you feel disrespected, it is a big deal. The issue isn’t about controlling his friendships, it’s about how a small digital “like” can create a real emotional sting. Your feelings are valid.
The next step is to have one more calm, non-accusatory conversation. The goal isn’t to start a fight but to clearly express your feelings.
Use the “I Feel” formula, which focuses on your emotions, not his actions:
“When I see you’ve liked your ex’s revealing photos, I feel hurt and insecure. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but it makes me feel like I’m being compared to her.”
His reaction to this statement is everything.
A respectful partner will hear you, apologize for making you feel that way, and agree to stop because your feelings are more important than a casual tap on a screen.
A dismissive partner will call you insecure or controlling. That response, while painful, gives you all the clarity you need about how he prioritizes your feelings.
You aren’t “That Girl” for wanting respect. A healthy partnership means caring about how your actions both online and off affect the person you love.
Don’t second-guess your gut.
Best of luck!
Aunt Agony